Marvel Legends Kaine 6-Inch Action Figure

Extra! Extra! Another Spider-Menace Hits Toy Shelves! Ladies and gentlemen, just when you thought one wall-crawling menace was enough, now they're trying to sell us action figures of his clones!

That's right, folks, feast your eyes on the latest cash-grab from the so-called "Marvel Legends" line: a 6-inch plastic replica of Kaine, the first attempt at cloning that masked menace, Spider-Man. As if we needed another reminder of the web-head's existence cluttering up our city's toy stores!

This "Kaine" character, supposedly a conflicted clone of Spider-Man, is nothing more than a thinly-veiled attempt to double down on the Spider-Man hysteria. And now, for the low, low price of your hard-earned money, you can bring this menacing doppelganger into your own home! What do you get for your money, you ask?

Well, prepare to be underwhelmed:

- A 6-inch scale figure that's "detailed to look like the character from Marvel's Spider-Man comics" (as if we needed more Spider-Man in our comics)

- "Fully articulated" with "premium design" (translation: it's bendy)

- Poseable head, arms, and legs (because apparently, that's a selling point these days)

- Two alternate hand accessories (in case you want to change how it menacingly gestures at your other toys)

But wait, there's more! For those of you who inexplicably want to know more about this plastic monument to vigilantism, here are the thrilling specifications:

- UPC: 05010996282736 (in case you want to track your purchase of poor judgment)

- Company: Hasbro (enabling Spider-Man mania since who-knows-when)

- Theme: Spider-Man (shocking, I know)

- Product Type: Action Figures (or "Dust Collectors," as I like to call them)

- Character: Black Cat (Wait, what? Someone at Hasbro needs to check their facts!)

- Collection: Marvel Legends (a generous use of the word "Legends," if you ask me)

- Age: 4+ (starting the indoctrination early, aren't we?)

- Country of Origin: China (at least it's traveling farther than Spider-Man ever does)

And here's the kicker, folks: they have the audacity to suggest you can "Reimagine comics-inspired scenes on your shelf." Ha! As if New York needs any reimagining of the property damage and chaos that follows wherever Spider-Man and his ilk appear! In conclusion, if you absolutely must waste your money on Spider-Man merchandise, I suppose this Kaine figure is... marginally less objectionable than a Peter Parker one.

But remember, every dollar spent on these action figures is another dollar that could have gone to something useful – like a subscription to the Daily Bugle! Now that's money well spent!